I'm spendy.

I had some credit from a return, so I bought a few preparing for pregnancy-type books from Amazon, as well as a "used-very good condition" $3.98 copy of Taking Charge Of Your Fertility.

I also bought a huge amount of ovulation sticks, because that's what the doctor had instructed in order to pinpoint ovulation. I need to make my blood test appointment for a week after I ovulate and I don't want to mess that up.

If I ever get pregnant, I am considering making a deal with work. If they allow me to work from home, I'll only take the 8 weeks paid leave I am entitled to (without applying for the additional weeks at a reduced pay rate) and return to work immediately. I can have someone stay home with me during the day for extra help, because I'd never want a stranger in my home alone. I'm a little paranoid that way.

But working from home is my ideal situation, and I just hope things work out for me this way! It's the least the universe can do for me. ;)

Nothing to say.

I guess I'll have an update after July 13th.

I have to make an appointment to check progesterone levels one week after I ovulate. I am pretty sure I already ovulated, but I've been wrong before. I may just hold off until next cycle just so I have a chance to buy more ovulation predictor sticks. I have none in the house, and it might be too late to worry about it now.

Since I have no control over the outcome of events, nor do I have much control over the process (since my body determines testing dates and everything) I feel like just relaxing and letting nature handle it's business. Not that I am not impatient any more, but there's only so much I can obsess over.

My husband has to go back to work around August 3rd. Until then, I just want to enjoy my time with him. After he goes back to work, I'll rarely get to see him. That makes me more sad than this baby making business.

My July 4th holiday did not go at all as I had planned it. I was really upset about it until about 5 minutes ago (when husband told me he has a set date to go back to work). I can't believe how upset I was over not seeing stupid fireworks, but I was really very angry! I guess it's because I just want things to go how I plan for them to go. I think I need to stop making plans and just let life happen. That's what's happening anyway, right?

Update.

I really don't have much to say. The specialist was nice, and didn't seem overly concerned or judgy. He gave me information on all the standard tests they run and plan for me to take. I had blood work done, and will probably have more blood taken from me in a few weeks.

This cycle doesn't count because not only did it already start, he's counting it as a biochemical loss. Hopefully my next cycle starts on time (that is, if I don't get knocked up in the meantime).

All I really have to say is, it felt embarrassing. I don't think it is supposed to be embarrassing, and I don't judge the people who were in the waiting room, but it was a very uncomfortable experience. It seemed like everyone in the waiting area purposely avoided making eye contact. Maybe that's just because this was a new experience for us and I didn't know what to expect. The doctors and nurses were very respectful of everyone's privacy, more than I have ever seen in a doctor's office.

I guess we have a plan. On or around July 13th I have to schedule something. I forgot everything already, it's all written down somewhere at home. Then on cycle day 1 I have to call for something. The a few days later, something else. Somewhere in that mess, I have to schedule an HSG. WONDERFUL! Eh, I'll do it. At this point, why not. I asked if it was necessary since I have had positive HPTs, but it's a standard test along with the ultrasound. My husband also has to have his own test, which is an appointment he is responsible for making. Hell, it's the least he could do since it seems like the burden of all of this is falling onto my body.

After the testing, or sometime during this process I will then have the recurrent pregnancy loss blood work. Why I can't have this now, I don't know. But I need to go in for an exam one of these days and I think that's when they'll do it.

So the testing isn't a big deal. I can handle the tests since they are looking to see if anything is wrong. It's the science-assisted attempts at getting pregnant that concern us. I don't think we're interested in using technology to actually get pregnant. I already said I wouldn't go through with IVF, and we pretty much just revisited this topic last night. (I confess, I wouldn't mind the IUI. That takes a whole lot of work away from us to have to do.)

Well if I wasn't stressed before, I am certainly stressed now.

I don't know if I hope for something to be wrong that this will all have been worth it, or if I hope that nothing is wrong and all I had to do is to have been patient.

The silliness of signs.

I normally keep my mania to myself, save for this blog. And the internet in general. Oh who am I kidding, I am nuts all around except for when I am at work. Here, I am so secretive that my coworkers had no idea I was even married until about a year after I started. And there are more than 60 of us in this office.

Anyway.

A few days ago I decided to clean out my car, and I got rid of several magazines that had been sitting in the back seat for months. There were about 3 pregnancy-related magazines I swiped from the doctor's office from the "Take One" pile. I often recycle magazines at work because we all share them at lunch time.

So, I brought my magazines to work.

I figured they've been recycled already, or taken home by a few of the women who have babies at home.

Well, today I came in and one of the magazines were sitting right on the break room table in the kitchen. I was very surprised because magazines NEVER return once they've disappeared!

Maybe it's a sign...

(She, if you're reading this, you are the first thing I thought of with all your word verification jibba jabba!)

CD1 FINALLY.

SO, my stupid period decided to show up about 45 later than my last one. Yesterday was day one.

I was RELIEVED! I figure, I knew it was going to happen. It's worse when it drags out.

My biggest concern was that I was going to cancel the specialist appointment and then not have any progress on my own anyway.

I don't know if I am being delusional right now, but I am not sad. I wasn't expecting to see a positive result and really want to make sure any tests I may need are taken before I have a chance to lose another pregnancy a few more weeks in. That would kind of suck.

The bright side, I didn't have a period for my husband's birthday.

Because I got confused with the dates this week and thought the 23rd was today, I cancelled my specialist appointment this week. So I rescheduled for June 24th, 10am. I hope to have an update then.

Just waiting for AF at this point.

The waiting is the hardest part. There's no sense to it, and it's annoying.




And there's that ugly beast of jealousy, rearing it's ugly head. It's asking me, " 'Sup.", all cool, as if they are still saying it that way.




What's up is my last period was May 8th and I am still waiting. If I'm not going to get a baby, at least let me get a CD1 sometime soon.

Took another test.

I bought a two-pack of FRER regular tests.



The test took the entire three minutes to show a super faint line, I really thought it'd be darker since I'm about 14DPO. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows.



My boobs don't hurt. AT ALL. They aren't even tender. I'm exhausted, that's for sure. But that's it. Oh, and hungry.



I'll use the second test on Sunday, provided I don't start my period by then.



I'm thinking another CP. Husband said to think positive thoughts, but I am not sure I can. I think he just refuses to be realistic.

I wasted one last test.

And I certainly was NOT expecting the result.

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It's so blurry, but you get the idea.






Last night I got home, and realized that my period was due sometime that day. I figured, why not use this last test. It's not like I wasn't going to buy more anyway. Besides, it was one of those stupid First Response gold digitals. I don't know if I like the digitals. I feel like I need to see those two lines. (so I am buying more tests today for the weekend.)




Well I waited the three minutes while husband was making dinner. I was getting impatient. "Just show me that NO already!"





Ha. The joke was on me. It freaking said YES.





I had cramps Monday and Tuesday and was sure I was getting my period (however, I never get cramps). I thought that after the negative test over the weekend, the cramps sealed the deal. I also forced myself to stay up until 10:30pm the last few nights, and that's pretty much on par with what happens before AF sets herself up in my business.


I hate that this is a First Response test because of how damned sensitive the thing is.

Husband and I are too nervous to celebrate just yet. I was SO miserable last night when I saw the result. I just kept thinking how bad this always turns out. So far a positive test meant nothing. How nice if this thing actually exists!

I'm still pimply, and more exhausted than ever. I keep getting dizzy spells, which I hope means nothing. I took my blood pressure last night, and it was normal 118/78. My boobs don't hurt, but I am a little bloated. At this point I feel like it can go either way.

I did ask for a little pampering last night. I was laying on the couch with the dog, and asked for a glass of water. Husband jokingly said, "Ok, but don't get crazy now. The thing is microscopic and there's no reason for you to be lazy."






My response was, "This may only last a week for me. I think I deserve a little special treatment."

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He agreed.



Then we went for a nice long walk through the neighborhood.




That's all for now.

And now I want to be a little miserable.

Not only are most of the blogs pregnant or just had babies, but some of them are on Baby #2. (good luck and congratulations to all of them, by the way.)

Sure, PMS is rearing its ugly head and I usually expect to cry a little in the days leading up to my period. But I am not feeling like this is fair at.all.

I don't understand why I have to wait. I'm tired of it, tired tired tired. It's going on two years and I feel like I am even further away than I was when we first started.

I finally threw out some pregnancy magazines I have had in my car for months. I can get updated copies if I need them from the doctor's office if I ever do actually get pregnant. I'm sick of the little reminders. I'm sick of pregnant people. I'm sick of babies. I'm just so sick of not having one of my own. I'm sick that someone will find out she is pregnant somewhere in the world today and she'll plan to actually have a baby from that moment she finds out, and that may not ever happen for me.

I'm having a down day, and I am sick of even feeling like this. It's been a while since I actually felt jealous and allowed myself to wallow. It's unpleasant. I hope for good news next Tuesday.


It's a good thing all of the new babies on my blog list are CUTE as all heck.


BY THE WAY, if anyone leaves a comment that contains a hug or some sort of "I'm Sorry", I'm totally going to delete it. Bitch right along with me if you feel like it! I don't want pity, I just want to vent my frustrations. It helps.


(thanks for reading. I love you.)

Just a few more days left.

I doubt - SERIOUSLY doubt - I am pregnant. I wasted my test over the weekend and it was negative.

Now I am just waiting for CD1 to happen, hopefully sometime today so the weekend isn't a total loss. I expect it tomorrow.

My appointment for June 23rd is right around the corner!