Cytotec.

Cytotec isn't the devil I thought it originally could have been. It's actually really cheap, also. I wasn't expecting the $0.53 copay for a $4.25 drug.

I saw the doctor on Friday for another fun ultrasound. The sac flattened out, just as he said he expected. To be perfectly honest, these ultrasounds were heartbreaking. I knew what to expect going in, but you can't help but secretly hope for a miracle.

Anyway, I was done. He gave me the prescription for the drug. He explained the common side effects: nausea, fever, diarrhea. He said it should work within 72 hours, and to come back Monday for a follow up scan.

I filled the prescription, but because I was now running late on Friday, I couldn't pick it up. I had a wedding to go to (which, in retrospect is a good thing, because I was considering taking the drug before going to the wedding. I'll get back to that).

I was originally considering using the drug over the long Thanksgiving weekend to give my body a chance to recover. After all, if it works within 72 hours, I didn't want to show up to work cramping and bleeding all over the place. The problem is that I need the pregnancy symptoms to go away. I was so nauseated at this wedding, I could barely stand to eat. Between the nausea and fatigue I feel every day, I am done with this. Just done.

When my husband had to go to work at 6am this morning, I went to pick up the prescription. 4 pills, 200mg each. These are taken vaginally.

I did not follow doctor's orders. I was too nervous. Instead of all 4 pills, I only used two. I figured that I'd see how I felt in a few hours, and then take the other two. So at 7am, I placed two pills and started to freak out a little. I ate something small, and went to take a nap on the couch.

I hardly slept for an hour. Within 45 minutes, I was cramping. I didn't know if this was the start of the medication working, because the doctor AND nurse said it would take a few hours to kick in, or if it was my regular cramping happening. Well, by 9am I was feeling it hard.

I decided to use the second two pills at that point, and noticed I had started bleeding. WOW. That was so fricken fast. If there's one thing my body is good at, it's expelling pregnancies. The doctor also recommended taking Tylenol, but I took Advil. I didn't care if it did anything to counter the cytotec. The cramps were pretty strong by then.

Well, Advil did nothing to the effectiveness of the cytotec. It did, however, give me the option of sleeping for a few hours here and there all day. I was in and out of the bathroom until about 3pm, and that's when I decided I needed to take a shower and start getting my ass in gear. I didn't get ANYTHING done today, but I feel better knowing that my body is passing everything and I should start feeling better by Thanksgiving. God willing.

My husband is going to have to help me finish packing today. I got a few chores done that had to be done, but I literally lounged on the couch with the dog the majority of the day. I didn't feel up to doing much of anything else. Husband thankfully understood.

As a bonus, the movers called because they got stuck at a moving job today, and wouldn't be finished until very late. The guy asked if they could come to the apartment to move us at 1030am instead of 9am. FINE WITH ME! That gives me extra time to get up and get ready for them. This is a nice little blessing.

But wow, did the medication work fast, and I didn't even have a chance to use the full dosage. I know this because when I went to use the second 2 pills, they fell out onto the floor. So gross. All I know is, I am SO glad I didn't take them before the wedding. I'd have been confined to the bathroom all night if I did.

Another thing, I am ALSO glad I didn't take this before going to bed the night before. I would have never slept. 72 hours my ass, that stuff was working within an hour. I feel really bad for women who have to deal with heavy periods and bad cramps every month. Man, this is really the pits. Thank God for Advil.

So would I use the Cytotec again if I needed to? Yes. I am sure it takes longer for my body to deal with this than it would have if I opted for the D&C. But this was less expensive, less invasive, and I was able to deal with this in the privacy of my own home. I am lucky that my body responded to the medication in a positive way. I did not have fever or diarrhea, and any nausea I had was most likely from cramping. I had no problem eating today, which is a welcomed change. Maybe this info will help someone else.

Random updates.

My body hasn't figured things out yet. My computer has been off for over a week now, so I haven't had a real chance to hang out on the internet. Maybe that's a good thing.

I figured something out, and that is that I may switch doctors. I couldn't put my finger on it until my visit this past Sunday. I went in for a follow up on Sunday because the doctor said that I should have started bleeding within 5 days of stopping the progesterone. Well, 5 days came and went, and even the cramping stopped.

I thought he'd have me in to see about intervening medically, but he wanted to make sure that he didn't miss something on my last ultrasound when he only saw the empty sac. Nothing changed, but it had grown a little.

Anyway, back to why I may switch doctors. I need hard, cold facts. I need real statistics. I don't need smoke blown up my butt. Not that this doctor tries to make me "feel" better, but I am not into being positive for the sake of happy fun thoughts. When I asked him on Sunday, "So this is considered a blighted ovum, correct?" He replied, "Well, yes. So you've been doing some reading."

He wasn't judgemental or anything, but seemed like he was surprised I did my own research. And really, I shouldn't have had to figure this out on my own. I really want this doctor to be upfront and technical with me. If he thinks I don't understand something, then he can explain it or give me the opportunity to ask the questions. Now that I know what I need in a doctor, I can either let him know (maybe), or I can find a doctor who will give me all the facts, statistics, measurements, numbers, whatever, without me asking (also, maybe).

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My husband is ready to start trying again right away. I know my body won't be ready at least until mid-January, and that's a big fat maybe. I agreed to start trying as long as we get his blood work results back and know for sure there's nothing medically wrong with us. Eh, maybe if there was something medically wrong, it would be easier. Then we'd know what we're up against. I'm so surprised he wants to try again, considering that the last few times he made it a point that he wanted to wait a little bit. He had a lot of hope for this one. So did I, really, but I also didn't hang onto false hope all the way through to this past Sunday. I asked my husband to start being a little more realistic in his thoughts. He thinks it's positive thinking, but this time it was just denial.

I love him so much.

His blood work in on Friday, and then we have a wedding to attend that night. We're moving on Sunday. YAY! The pup will be so happy with his new yard.

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I have a follow up scan on Friday. The sac went from 13mm to 15mm, and still no progress with passing anything. I let the doctor know I don't want a D&C unless it's the only option. I'm giving my body until Friday to figure things out, and the doctor agreed to give me a prescription of Cytotec, which is supposed to induce cramping. PLEASE, NO HORROR STORIES AND NO HUGS. I'll need to see for myself what this is going to feel like, and I am okay right now. Well, except for being so damn tired, and the nausea that strikes in the late afternoon. Stupid body. There's no baby in there, stop acting like there is!

I'm thinking of starting that medication on Thanksgiving because of the long weekend. That way, I can be home in case I need easy bathroom access. Man. Why couldn't a BABY actually stay this sticky? And this is why I don't want to try the Endometrin ever again. If I needed it, my body would have passed everything by now.

WISH ME LUCK!

I'm thinking that we're done.

The messed up thing that is making me feel like run over crap is that I still have to miscarry. I have to wait for the bleeding to start before I can get on with my life. The cramps stopped, and the symptoms come and go. Doctor said that if I don't start by Friday, he wants me to come in for blood work, and possibly a scan. WONDERFUL.

So if I actually start to pass everything this week, I might not get my next full cycle until the New Year. How the hell long does it take to actually pass a blighted ovum? I stopped the Endometrin, and I was really hoping it'd start right away.

My plans for the new year? Save money, go on a vacation. Husband and I have been living life waiting for this imaginary baby for too long. We haven't been on a real vacation since...I don't know...2006. We're due one. I'm thinking that March sounds good.

But as for the baby making, I think we're done. We have a few more tests to go through, and maybe we'll know for sure what is going on. But no more trying. We're revisiting the subject after we take a trip. I think my husband wants to start right away again, like in January. He thought that's what *I* wanted. If it was a year ago, oh yes that's what I would want. But now? I don't want any of it. I am so scared of my time being wasted again and my body being put through this emotional roller coaster without any progress. Well, at least the doctor is making money.

The waiting is torture. I don't know how some women do it over and over, and keep on trying. Maybe I'll feel differently in a month, who knows. But I can't put myself in this position again for a short while. I need to be a little selfish right now and be a wife to my husband. And really, until I know for sure what is wrong, I don't want to bother. Maybe a baby just isn't in the "plan" for me at all. I'm tired of hearing how there's no real reason for any of this to happen to me. Then why does it happen? Am I just so f*cking unlucky that I am in ALL of the statistics?

So anyway. We're moving in 2 weeks. It was supposed to be next week, but I have too much crying to do on the couch and no motivation to pack. I started a little packing, but husband is working nights all week. I am wallowing in a bit of self-pity right now. It's okay, though. I'll snap out of it. I just need to feel my feelings a little. I can't think of having a baby anymore, at least for now. For a while.

Things that suck:

- I just picked up my refill for Endometrin. $13.00 gone. Just gone. No need for that anymore, and I think it expires soon anyway. (But if I ever do get pregnant again, I doubt I'll be using a supplement. I would hope that my progesterone would be normal on its own to support a pregnancy. If not, I don't want to prolong the inevitable. This would have been a chemical pregnancy without it in my opinion.)

- I probably won't get a normal period until well into December.

- My deductible is satisfied for 2009, and will start all over in the new year. I have no idea what kind of medical stuff I can get done in this year just to take advantage.

- The cramps I have suck, and now I know for sure that this is my body's way of telling me something is clearly wrong. What a mean way for my body to tell me it can do something right.

- Working the rest of my shift when all I really want to do is lay down on my couch and watch TV with my dog.

- My husband is going for chromosome testing. If it comes back that there's a problem, he said he's all for medical intervention. I AM NOT. I was *thisclose* to baby fingers and toes, and now I just think it's not going to happen for me.

- We get pregnant rather easily, naturally. It's taken us 3-4 months to get a BFP each times I've had that mythical BFP. Having a live baby? Not so easy. I could have had 2.5 babies by now in the entire time I've been trying.

- Maybe this is God's way of telling me I have inferior DNA and it is not in my destiny to have a bio baby. That, or Husband and I are really brother and sister and babies would be too gross. Eh, I had to make a joke.



If I had my way (and I laugh at that statement because I am not going to get my way), I'd get pregnant in February. But really, I don't think it's going to happen. The baby books didn't even come out this time.

I'm always right.

Blighted ovum. Empty sac. Nothing new developing since last week.

So today I stop the Endometrin, and then see what happens.

This is getting so boring now, and a little embarrassing. There's no reason for any of this that the doctor can find, but at the same time we are just not "normal".

I knew something was up for the past week, since I have had zero symptoms, and I should really be smack dab in the middle of any sort of symptom bonanza.

So we're on a break until after the new year. Happy new year, indeed. Maybe we'll go on a trip.


A miscarriage, a couple of chemical pregnancies, and now a blighted ovum. Who knows what that will feel like - I just realized I have to have those cramps again. I am afraid to know what a pregnancy will bring next time. What's left for me to go through: Ectopic? Stillborn? I'm going to die giving birth? The Omen? I don't think I want to even bother anymore!

I doubt I'm that lucky.

All symptoms have vanished, but for the random abdomen twinge.

My boobs aren't just not sore right now, they look like they've shrunk back to normal size.

Impending doom? Or am I just paranoid? I am not sure. No bleeding, so I guess that's good.

I have no idea how I am going to get through the next two days without having a heart attack.

People have told me that it's normal to not feel anything, and I am sure that is true for some people. But how am I supposed to believe that I am one of the lucky ones when it comes to symptoms? I am not a lucky person. Check my track record. I find it really hard to believe that all of a sudden I am going to hit the pregnancy jackpot and have a healthy pregnancy sans symptoms.

Please. I'm not naïve.

New development.

My appointment is now for Friday November 6th. THIS WEEK. They originally wanted me to come in on the 13th, but I don't have the day off. I left a voicemail for the nurse asking to change it to November 16th.

But when she called back, I asked about the 6th and she said that was a good day to come in for an ultrasound. I really hope we have a heartbeat. I want to cry when I think about the possiblity of nothing going on in there.

I'm just a little (a lot) nervous that I am going to get the worst news possible, and it's a blighted ovum. This lack of symptoms is really starting to make me nervous. I have zero bleeding, slight cramping, puffy boobs, and that's it. Occasionally they'll hurt, but I am not sure if that's real or if it's the Endometrin.

I worry that Friday will come and I have to stop acting like everything is going well. Even though I'm nervous, I still feel good about everything. And *that* makes me nervous.

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No one in real life knows. I ended up telling my imaginary internet people, and I hope I don't regret that decision. I'm going to feel like a real asshole if I get bad news and I have to tell them all over again. The pity is not anything I want.

November 16th.

That's my next appointment.

My October 29th appointment went well. Apparently everything is in the places they should be. There's only one bean, and it's not causing any grief. We'll have to wait for the next appointment to see if the bean has a heartbeat.

Let's hope!

I am so negative, but I guess there's no reason for it according to my husband. I got through the cancer walk and the wedding without any problems, and I'm still sticky.

Eh, that's how I roll.

I'm not part of that club.

You know the club. The women who can get together, talk about being newly pregnant, complain about how torturous it is, rub each other's bellies and joke about how they're not doing this again for a while.

I don't know why, but I feel like there are those women, and then there's me. It's been easy to get pregnant it seems. It only took us a few months each time I saw that positive test. But with a miscarriage and 2 chemical pregnancies under my belt, I don't belong with women whose husbands sneeze on them and immediately have their fat, healthy baby.

It's not comforting right now that I am pregnant. I have no hope that this will stick. I should be hitting the 6 week mark on Thursday or Friday, but I am not hopeful that there will be a heartbeat in there. If there is, I am sure it won't be in my uterus.

Any pregnancy symptoms I felt have vanished. I am hoping that anything I felt before (nausea and fatigue) were mostly related to having a cold last week, but I am grasping at straws. My boobs feel as though they are back to normal. If they do hurt in the middle of the night, I kind of think it has to do with the endometrin side effects.

I want to cry. This is tough, because I just want to know I am able to have a viable pregnancy. It's not fair that this keeps happening to us. Doctor says that beta value keeps rising, which is a good sign, but I can't shake that he's just trying to keep me calm. I don't know why he'd fib instead of being realistic, but I don't know him well enough to trust that he knows me. He may not know that I want the hard truth because I need to be prepared. I told him this, and he was reassuring anyway.

I just don't know what to believe.

Now why would I ever stay positive.

Beta 2700, and I didn't even hear what my progesterone was. I can't imagine it's any good, and I deleted the message during my moment of shock so I cannot listen to it again. I just wanted to get rid of the shitty news.

Of COURSE it didn't double.

I also have a feeling the sale of the apartment is going to fall through because of a technical problem (which really isn't a problem) that may inconvenience the buyer.

FANTASTIC.

See, now THIS is how things are supposed to work for me. Everything is supposed to fall apart, NOT be wonderful.

The levels of my Beta are similar to what my levels were the afternoon I miscarried in the ER.

I 100% expect to go into the ultrasound on Thursday morning and see that it implanted in my tube. That would be a great way to kick off the wedding weekend we have next weekend.

I want to cry, but it hasn't hit me yet that I may lose this baby.

The nurse didn't make it sound as if it's terrible; she said to continue the Endometrin. But she didn't have any hope in her voice. I bet she was thinking, "she's just gonna lose this one, why am I even calling....".