I'm thinking that we're done.

The messed up thing that is making me feel like run over crap is that I still have to miscarry. I have to wait for the bleeding to start before I can get on with my life. The cramps stopped, and the symptoms come and go. Doctor said that if I don't start by Friday, he wants me to come in for blood work, and possibly a scan. WONDERFUL.

So if I actually start to pass everything this week, I might not get my next full cycle until the New Year. How the hell long does it take to actually pass a blighted ovum? I stopped the Endometrin, and I was really hoping it'd start right away.

My plans for the new year? Save money, go on a vacation. Husband and I have been living life waiting for this imaginary baby for too long. We haven't been on a real vacation since...I don't know...2006. We're due one. I'm thinking that March sounds good.

But as for the baby making, I think we're done. We have a few more tests to go through, and maybe we'll know for sure what is going on. But no more trying. We're revisiting the subject after we take a trip. I think my husband wants to start right away again, like in January. He thought that's what *I* wanted. If it was a year ago, oh yes that's what I would want. But now? I don't want any of it. I am so scared of my time being wasted again and my body being put through this emotional roller coaster without any progress. Well, at least the doctor is making money.

The waiting is torture. I don't know how some women do it over and over, and keep on trying. Maybe I'll feel differently in a month, who knows. But I can't put myself in this position again for a short while. I need to be a little selfish right now and be a wife to my husband. And really, until I know for sure what is wrong, I don't want to bother. Maybe a baby just isn't in the "plan" for me at all. I'm tired of hearing how there's no real reason for any of this to happen to me. Then why does it happen? Am I just so f*cking unlucky that I am in ALL of the statistics?

So anyway. We're moving in 2 weeks. It was supposed to be next week, but I have too much crying to do on the couch and no motivation to pack. I started a little packing, but husband is working nights all week. I am wallowing in a bit of self-pity right now. It's okay, though. I'll snap out of it. I just need to feel my feelings a little. I can't think of having a baby anymore, at least for now. For a while.